


Seeing Double

by kalkalash



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU where Captain America and Iron Man are actually friends, AU where no one knows Steve Rogers is Captain America, F/M, First Date, Fluff and Crack, Funny (i hope???), Identity Porn, M/M, Romance, Trapped In Elevator, excessive use of stairs, i know its hard to believe, when you're completely drunk, with your crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-24 12:39:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9727262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalkalash/pseuds/kalkalash
Summary: Maria wasn't really one to get drunk.All drunk people did was embarrass themselves in front of others (which she did not do), flirt horribly (again which she really did not do), and then get trapped in an elevator (that, she kinda did).But, if getting completely drunk meant getting a date with Steve Rogers, well then, she would do it all over again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, hope you like the story! Two things to quickly note though:  
> 1\. This is an AU where the Army found the Captain first, so no one knows his civilian identity, even SHIELD  
> 2\. If anything in this story offends you, please let me know. It was all written in good humor, but I will change anything that does.

Maria was extraordinarily drunk. 

In reality, she had never been this inebriated in her entire life, including her senior prom and the day of her college graduation. However, today had been a total shitstorm, and she was entitled to this level of intoxication. There was a report of an 0-8-4 in the middle of New York, which ended up being one of Dr. Doom’s flying Doom-Bots that suddenly exploded, injuring three SHIELD agents and two civilians. Not to mention the fact that the Rising Tide was again attempting to hack into the agency’s database, and almost made off with files that would have compromised the nation’s security, if it weren’t for Maria finally sacrificing her dignity and calling Tony Stark for help. And they had lost track of Clint during one of his missions for about eight hours, which meant she had to deal with Black Widow Natasha, instead of her best friend Nat, and Agent Phil Coulson, instead of best friend Phil. 

Overall, her stress levels had reached an ultimate peak today, which was something that required a lot of alcohol to counter, and that was why she was seeing double but still somehow able to walk perfectly into her building’s elevator after Phil, Clint and Natasha had dropped her off.

And then she promptly wanted to step out.

Because her very,  _ very _ attractive neighbor was in the elevator and Maria might have had a tiny crush on him.

At least, that’s what Clint thought especially after he had seen Maria’s neighbor one day. Because apparently it was impossible for someone to not have a crush on “the most fuckable man in the entire universe”. (Clint’s words, not hers).

So it was perfectly understandable as to why Maria did not want to appear in front of Steve Rogers, said neighbor, completely drunk, on the slight possibility that she would ever have a chance at him. But of course, this super attractive man was also super chivalrous and acknowledged Maria’s presence as soon as she stepped in.

“Hello, Maria!” He chirped brightly.

“Steve, hi!” Maria replied, trying not to slur and attempting to keep ahold of her inhibitions so that she wouldn't do or say anything stupid.

“How was your day?” Steve asked as he pressed their floor number, 12.

“Stressful,” Maria admitted, “You?”

“The same,” Steve replied, with a grin on his face. Steve was always cheerful like that, despite any grim events that occurred. It was almost blinding for Maria to witness. Instead, she carefully trained her eyes on the elevator screen, watching the numbers slowly climbing: 7, 8, 9 and suddenly the elevator groaned and stopped, with the lights flickering.

_ Oh no _ , Maria thought softly in her head,  _ no, no, no! _

“I think we’re stuck,” Steve said, carefully examining the doors and the frozen number on the elevator screen. He pressed the call button on the elevator, and immediately, a weirdly familiar female voice rang out, apologizing for a potential thirty-minute delay.

“Fuck,” Maria muttered, because the last thing she wanted was to be stuck in an elevator, completely drunk, with the neighbor she had a crush on. Steve quickly turned toward her, eyebrows quirked, and Maria responded partly because of the alcohol running in her system and well, his innocent face seemed to pull the answers out of her.

“Not fuck, because I don’t like you, but more like fuck because I am completely drunk right now and I don’t want embarrass myself further.”

“You seem pretty steady for someone who's drunk.”

“Yeah well, I’ve had a whole lot of practice,” Maria muttered, as she slid to the floor. “There’s really only one way for me to relieve stress from my job, and some days, a punching bag doesn’t cut it.” Steve chuckled, and took a seat opposite from her.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Maria squinted at him.

“You’re a Captain in the Army, right?” Steve’s face twitched. 

“Yup. I was deployed once after some...umm special training. Made Captain. Then I-- uh...took a long break and finally came back to work for the Army.” Maria nodded thoughtfully at his spotty story, but her mind was jumping all over the place. The alcohol had broken through the last of the control that she had and Maria felt like spilling all her secrets to the world.

“What about you, Maria?”

“Oh, I’m just the deputy director of SHIELD.”

“SHIELD?” Steve asked eyes wide, as if he had known it from somewhere.

“Yeah,” Maria said, all the while watching a pink unicorn dance around Steve’s head. (It was the alcohol; there was no other explanation for it).

“Aren't you worried that you just told someone that you are an agent for SHIELD?” Steve asked. 

“Nah, I ran a background check on you. Anyway, there’s actually a more important question than that.” Steve looked at her confused, so Maria pushed on. “Married or gay?”

"What?”

“Are you married or gay?”

“Why?”

“Because someone as attractive and kind as you either has to be married, or gay. With my luck, at least,” Maria watched as Steve’s face scrunched but she cared more about his answer than she did about his confusion.

“So?” She nudged.

“I am single and bisexual.” Maria’s eyes widened and she gasped, while on the other hand, Steve looked like he was mentally preparing himself for something.

“Bisexual! Oh, I wish I were bisexual! That would give me so many, many fish to choose from!” Maria exclaimed.

“Fish?” Steve asked.

“I’m straight, which narrows the fish in my ocean to 3.5 billion in which I still haven’t found “the one”. At least, if I was bisexual, that would expand my horizons to 7 billion fish!” She said, with almost childlike glee. Steve laughed so hard, Maria could see tears leaking out of his eyes.

“I’m not sure if that’s offensive or not, but it’s certainly the best reaction I have ever had to being bisexual.” Maria’s eyes narrowed. 

“If anyone’s saying shit about you being bisexual, then you’re just not hanging out with the right people. Hang out with me, I bet we’d get along swimmingly. We’d probably have sex too.”

“Are you trying to flirt with me?” Steve asked, another grin splitting his face. Maria took a moment to think back to remember what she said, and then nodded.

“Yes, I am. And you should know that ‘drunk me’ is the most honest version of me that you are going to get so if I deny this tomorrow, just know that this,” Maria gestured the elevator with her hands, “was the truth and not whatever bullshit I spout.”

“Noted,” the Captain nodded.

“At ease, soldier. By the way, my best friend may want to screw you too. Wait, let me call him.” Maria dug through her purse and hit her speed dial for Clint, and quickly tapped the speaker.

“Uh-hello?”

“Clint!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Maria shrieked, like a toddler calling for her Dad. “What do you think of my neighbor again?”

“This is what you called me for? I thought we had a mission.”

“Just tell me what you think. I’m doing a favor for ‘sober me’.” She could practically hear Clint shrug, and shushed Steve.

“That man literally proves that God exists, like his jawline looks like it was sculpted by Michelangelo. And damn, that ass in jeans, it should be illegal for something to look that good. Oh, I forgot the adorable baby blue eyes! The freaking sky is captured in those eyes!”

“Careful. Phil may get jealous,” Maria scolded, suddenly feeling protective of Steve.

“Yeah, well if Phil saw Captain Rogers, he would totally understand.”

“Bye, Clint!” She yelled, and quickly cut him off. She looked up to see Steve looking a little surprised with blood rushing through his cheeks. Awww, he was blushing.

“Why'd you interrupt him?”

“I was feeling jealous,” Maria explained to Steve.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, we’re in a monogamous relationship.”

“I wasn’t even aware that we were in a relationship.”

“Well, ‘sober me’ would love to date you. That’s why ‘drunk me’ is spilling all the trade secrets.”

“That’s nice to know.” Steve nodded, still grinning.

“Will you ever stop smiling?” Maria snapped. His teeth were so shiny and they were making her head hurt.

“Not when I’m talking to you.” And it took Maria a moment to realize that Steve was flirting with her.

“Good, just remember to flirt with me when I’m sober.”

“Ok, so far, I shouldn’t believe your bullshit tomorrow, you want to date me, we are in a monogamous relationship, and I should flirt with you when you are finally sober,” Steve recited. Maria gave him a rare grin.

“You’re a quick study, huh soldier?”

“Only for things I care about.”

“Your one liners are good. Keep doing that, and you’ll have ‘sober me’ in no time. Oh, and also remember that ‘sober me’ has a heart of ice.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” Maria couldn’t tell if that was sarcastic or not. 

“Yeah well, just thaw her out with one of your one liners, or better yet, subtly remind her of this conversation and there’s your in.” Steve nodded thoughtfully as he replied.

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Where? When? How?” Maria asked. She was going to make this happen for sober Maria.

“Don’t worry; it’ll happen when she’ll never imagine it.” Steve said, with a conspiratorial grin that made Maria a little paranoid.

“Where--” Maria started, intending to clarify what Steve had in mind, but then the elevator had suddenly started up again, and her attention had diverted. Steve grabbed her arm and they both rose from the elevator floor and the doors slid open, revealing Natasha with a smug grin on her face.

“Natasha?” Maria asked, and suddenly she realized why that voice from the elevator was so familiar. “Oh no, you didn't!” she started in a hushed voice, but Natasha quickly cut her off.

“Now who’s this lovely gentleman here?” Natasha asked, eyes scanning over Steve. As the poster child for etiquette, Steve immediately stretched out his hand for a shake.

“Captain Steve Rogers, ma'am.”

“Natasha Romanov,” She replied, “I’ll take Maria from here,” nodding at Steve’s death grip on her right forearm. Steve quickly let go, and blushed.

“Night, Maria,” he said, giving her a true grin. “Night, Miss Romanov,” he said, giving her a nod, and both of them watched as Steve walked away and entered his own apartment.

“My, my, Clint was right; he does have an ass on him.” Natasha commented. Maria punched Natasha in the shoulder and started stalking away to her own apartment.

“Ow, what was that for?” Natasha asked. Maria shoved her key into her doorknob as she answered.

“That was for sabotaging the elevator and sticking ‘drunk me’ alone with God’s perfect specimen.” She pushed open her door, and flicked her lights on.

“Even completely drunk, you are quite clever, Hill.”

“How did you even know that we were in the elevator?”

“Well, I followed you back in, because you forgot your purse,” Natasha said, holding up a wristlet with one finger, before dropping it on the kitchen counter.  “Then, I thought I’d have a little fun.”

“I am going to ruin whatever you have with Banner, after I find the Tylenol.”

“Bruce and I are secure enough in our relationship, so you can try but you will fail.” Maria rolled her eyes but she knew what Natasha said was true.  “And as far as I heard, he likes you too.” Natasha said. Maria quickly turned, the Tylenol stuck in her throat.

“You heard everything?”

“Tapped into the elevator’s intercom.” Maria closed her eyes and groaned in frustration.

“I’m going to bed, desperately hoping that this was a horrible, horrible dream.”

“And I’m taking your couch, and excitedly waiting until Captain Rogers asks you out.”

Maria slammed the door in response.

**:~~:~~:~~:~~:~~:~~:**

_ Hangovers were the absolute worst, _ Maria decided. If given the choice, Maria would rather be kidnapped by a Russian mob boss then experience a hangover that a bottle of vodka would give her. At least, with the kidnapping, she could escape her bonds and have the mob boss and his associates unarmed and groaning on the floor in less than 15 minutes. With a hangover, she had to depend on coffee and Tylenol until the headache slowly drifted away. (Which took excessively long).

She finally rose from her bed, eyes squinting at the sunlight that streamed into the room. She faintly smelled scrambled eggs and toast in the kitchen, but she really had to brush.

Maria stepped into her bathroom, took one look at herself in the mirror and winced. Her hair was a mess that was parted in three different directions and she had obvious bags from the night before. Sighing in defeat, she quickly brushed and hopped into the shower, hoping that it would take some stress off her body.

After that wonderful shower, Maria jumped into her standard SHIELD uniform, and finally followed the scent of scrambled eggs to find a plate waiting for her and a post it note.  Natasha’s careful script was on it.

_ Bruce came back early this morning, so I left. The scrambled eggs are an apology for the elevator, though I really regret nothing, _ Maria read. The note was signed with a fancy N.

_ Elevator?,  _ Maria thought for a moment, before all the memories of the night before came flooding through her mind. An unfamiliar sense of embarrassment passed through her. Maria had never done something this forward before in her entire life, she was always cool and calculated.

She stabbed an egg with a fork and chewed thoughtfully. Maybe she should take that mission in Budapest; she wouldn't have to see Steve again for a solid month and maybe she could stretch the mission for a year and never have to see him again. You know what, her lease was ending soon, she could probably go find a new apartment.

No. No, wait. She was Maria  _ freaking  _ Hill. She wasn’t going to run away from this admittedly embarrassing thing, and anyway,  it wasn’t like she hadn't dealt with worse. And Steve probably wasn’t interested in her. He was probably following along with her drunk babbling just to make her feel better. It seemed like a very Steve like thing to do anyway.

Maria snapped out of her thoughts as the doorbell rang. She cautiously put her now empty plate in the sink and checked if her gun was at her side, before opening the door to see Clint grinning devilishly. 

“Hey Maria, thought I was Captain Rogers?” He asked, wiggling his eyebrows. Maria promptly grabbed the closest object to her (it was an umbrella) and smacked Clint on his head.

“Why are you here?” She growled.

“I'm here because you are about to be late to the first ever Avengers meeting.”

“Maybe I wanted to be late. Stark gets away with it.”

“I think you didn't want to leave your apartment lest you see Captain Steve Rogers.” 

“Natasha told you?” Maria asked.

“She sent me the audio of the elevator intercom, after you drunk dialed me. Now, come on! You don't want two soon-to-be Avengers to be late would you?”

“Make that one soon-to-be Avenger as I'm probably going to kill the red headed one before she even gets to the meeting.” Maria said as she shooed Clint out of her apartment, and followed behind him, slamming her apartment door. 

Clint was waiting by the elevator but Maria winced as she looked at it. Ever the spy, Clint picked up on her aversion with only a second of eye contact. 

“No, Maria. We are not taking the stairs just because you embarrassed yourself in the elevator.”

“Please?”

“Maria, it’s twelve floors!” Clint shrieked. 

“You’re a spy, you’re in shape aren’t you?” Maria countered, as she walked to the emergency stairs as the end of the hallway. 

“That doesn’t mean I want to walk down twelve flights of stairs.” Clint grumbled. Maria didn’t respond as she started on the stairs. “You owe me something for this.”

“I’ll dump your paperwork on Natasha.”

“Sweet.”

They walked down the stairs after that in a complete silence that was periodically interrupted by Clint’s heavy breathing. Maria’s mind strayed back to the thoughts that she was having earlier about Steve. That mission in Budapest was looking real sweet to her now, if she had to endure more teasing from Natasha. 

Finally, the two SHIELD agents reached the lobby of Maria’s building. Before Maria could open the door to the outside, Clint grabbed her shoulder and stopped her for a moment. Instead of the mischievous glint that Maria was accustomed to seeing, Clint’s eyes were filled with sincerity. 

“Don’t run like you always do. Yeah, you embarrassed yourself in front of him, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a chance. Don’t you remember how I met Phil?” Maria grinned as she recalled that story in her mind. 

“So you’re saying I should throw a pie at his face?” Clint winced, but ushered Maria out of her apartment building to the fancy black car waiting at the curb. 

“No, but I’m saying, just talk to him. If that doesn’t work out, then we can go with the pie thing,” Clint said, as he opened the back door of the car for her. Maria took a seat and caught Natasha’s eyes in the rearview mirror. 

“Hello, sober Maria!” Natasha greeted, and Maria could have sworn that Clint chuckled as he took the passenger seat. 

“Shut it, before I give you enough paperwork to last you a month. You’re already getting Clint’s.” Natasha pouted as she drove away from the curb, but instantly brightened. 

“Did you see Steve this morning?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows. Maria rolled her eyes, but Clint answered first.

“She didn’t; that’s the first thing I asked her.”

“Awwww,” Natasha replied, disappointment clearly heard in her voice. 

“You and Phil are so emotionally invested into this!” Clint said. 

“Wait, you told Phil too?” Maria asked, annoyed.

“Natasha sent him the audio, what could I do?” Clint retorted. It was taking all of Maria’s strength not to reach over and hit him on the head. Maybe Natasha could sense the mood, because she quickly changed the conversation.

“You know, if Steve doesn't work out, you could always date Captain America.” 

“Uhhh, I think Phil has dibs on the Captain,” Maria replied, with a sideways glance at Clint. 

“Phil is mine, end of discussion.” He turned an angry glare on both of them as they smirked at his possessiveness. 

“No,” Natasha started, breaking through the laughs,”think about it. Every person in the Avengers Initiative has someone else. Bruce has me, Clint has Phil, Stark has Pepper, and even Thor has Jane. Bet you could give great company to the Captain.”

“Yes, I can give him great company as we draw up battle plans for the Avengers. How romantic?” Maria dryly remarked. She saw the SHIELD building up ahead and almost cried with relief. This car ride had been too long a discussion on her love life, and the only time that was ever allowed was when her mom called for the holidays. Natasha parked the car right in front of the building, where Fury had given them a wonderful parking spot that Natasha had threatened him for. 

“Personally, I’m rooting for Steve,” Clint said, as he climbed out of the car. “Please, please, give him the rose.” 

“I thought you weren’t emotionally invested in this,” Natasha asked, as she quirked an eyebrow. 

“Yes, but now with either Captain Steve Rogers or Captain America as Maria's potential boyfriend, it's like the season finale of The Bachelorette. And you know how much Phil and I love that show." Clint explained. Maria snorted in derision as she walked through the doors of the SHIELD building and paused in front of security.

“The only reality tv show that can be used to describe my love life is “The Biggest Loser”, so you better keep your hopes down,” Maria said, as she scanned the ID to gain entrance. The security guard had overheard her and snickered, so Maria threw him one of her famous icy glares that could rival glaciers.

“Awww, Maria don’t be so negative. You never know what will happen,” Clint said, as he and Natasha continued to trail her. 

“Actually, I do know what’s going to happen. First, I’m going to go up the stairs to Coulson’s office, then attend the Avengers meeting, and finally go home before Steve Rogers ever sees me.” Clint threw her an exasperated look, while Natasha looked slightly confused.

“Why the stairs?” Natasha asked

“Because apparently she’s traumatized by elevators.” Clint said, as he pushed open the doors to the emergency stairs. 

“And guess who’s fault is that?” Maria threw a pointed look at Natasha as she started to climb. 

“Still worth it,” Maria heard her mumble.

**:~~:~~:~~:~~:~~:~~:**

After a solid twenty minutes, they finally reached the tenth floor of the building, where Coulson’s office was located. They thought they had almost lost Clint at the 7th floor as he was panting so hard, Maria thought that he had spontaneously developed asthma. But the trio had finally made it through, though Maria was sweating, Clint’s hair was disheveled, but, of course Natasha managed to stay tidy. Maria threw her a dirty glare as they walked to Coulson’s office.

They were still heaving as they entered, making Coulson look up in surprise. Maria was a little startled to see Dr. Banner, as the doctor never tended to leave his SHIELD lab, staring at them out of curiosity. Though, as his eyes landed on Natasha, she could see the good doctor’s eyes soften a little, and fill with affection. It was probably safe to assume that Clint and Coulson were going through the same thing. 

Maria looked away, because she wanted to give the couples a private moment. Having a significant other was never a priority in the type of life that she had wanted to live. But now, as her own friends had found someone to share their life with, Maria couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to have someone waiting at home for her, instead of her dirty laundry and her dying house plants. 

“So, did you see Captain Rogers?” Coulson asked, breaking Maria out of her reverie. Bruce also looked very interested, and Maria safely assumed that Natasha played him that intercom recording as well. However, Clint was typing furiously on his phone, and not paying attention to the conversation. 

“No, I didn’t, thank you very much.”

“That’s ok, though, because Maria has a backup option,” Natasha cut in, and Maria rolled her eyes for probably the fiftieth time today. It had to be some kind of record. 

“Backup?” Bruce asked, looking very interested. _ Who knew the quiet doctor loved to matchmake? _ , Maria thought dryly in her head.

“One Captain America for one very special Agent Maria Hill,” Clint announced, finally slipping his phone in his back pocket, “See Phil, now it’s like the finale of Bachelorette. She’s got Steve Rogers on one side, and Captain America on the other.”

“The stakes have been raised, I see,” Coulson remarked. “Though it’s pretty obvious that she should give the rose to the Captain America.”

“Phil, just because you worship the Captain does not mean Maria should give him the rose. She should give it to Steve. You listened to the recording; Steve was totally into her.”

“I’ve gotta say that I’m with Clint here. Steve did sound pretty interested.” Bruce said, adding his two cents in. 

“But Captain America!”, Coulson added. “How could you even pass that up?”

“Just because you want to bang Captain America doesn’t mean that Maria wants to,” Natasha retorted. “The rose should go to Steve.”

“Have you seen Captain America? Even Clint wants to bang him!” Coulson replied. Clint looked like he was about to protest but ended up withholding his objections. Maria took this as an opportunity to deflect the subject from herself.

“Considering that I’m not on the season finale of The Bachelorette, nor will I ever be on that infernal show, I don’t think I’m required to make a choice so why don’t we get down to business?” Maria asked, with a glare. The group finally shut up, and Maria took her chance. “Excellent, now let’s talk about the Avengers Initiative.”

Clint groaned. “Come on Ria, we already know all about it. Fury wants me, Nat, Banner, Stark, Captain America, and Thor to save Earth from crazy megalomaniacs. What else is there to know?” 

“You need to know about your own team, Barton,” Maria huffed out.

“We know Stark and Thor, they come here all the time.”  Natasha said. 

“You know nothing on the Captain though.” Coulson countered. “Since the Army found him in the ice, they have laid claim to him. And they are allowed to do that because Project Rebirth was under the United States Army’s control. Which means that SHIELD has no intel on him.” 

“So you all need to be careful about what you say, since it took Fury forever to make the Army agree with the Initiative. And make peace with the fact that he is not allowed to tell you who he is, or anything about himself. ” Maria added.  

“Damn, I really wanted to ask if he’s still a virgin,” Clint muttered. Bruce and Maria threw questioning glances at the archer and Coulson just sighed in exasperation. 

“What? I wanna know if the rumors are true!” Clint defended. Maria rollled her eyes and ignored Clint, as she tended to do. 

“Are we clear?” Maria asked and Bruce, Nat, and Clint nodded their heads in sincerity. 

“I think it's time for the meeting,” Bruce said, rotating his wrist to look at his watch, “Shall we go up to the conference room?” 

“Yup,” Maria said, and strolled to the door. Before she opened it though, she spun around to face the others following her.

“And if this Steve Rogers or Captain America bachelorette finale leaves this room, I will enter your rooms at night while you are sleeping and ruin the most precious thing that you own, starting with Coulson and his trading cards.” 

“You wouldn’t dare,” Coulson challenged.

“Oh, wouldn't I?” And with that, Maria walked out of the room, not bothering to check if the rest of the group had followed her. But she was still able to hear their voices. 

“She’s not bluffing,” Natasha murmured, as she pushed past Coulson, who had a frightened expression on his face. Bruce quickly followed behind her with a bemused expression, leaving Clint to deal with his shell shocked boyfriend. 

“Don't worry honey, mean Maria wouldn't dare to do anything to your trading cards, ok?” He assured, as he coaxed the traumatized Phil out of the room. Maria couldn’t help but smile, as she opened the door the to the fire stairs. 

“Come on, Maria. Not the stairs again.” Natasha groaned. 

“You reap what you sow, Romanoff,” Maria responded and started to climb the stairs.

**:~~:~~:~~:~~:~~:~~:**

Fury was waiting for them in the conference room, an eyebrow raised, as he took in their disheveled appearances and heavy panting. Coulson was practically keeping Clint upright, while Bruce went straight for the water jug on the table. 

“Did you take the stairs because of that elevator thing with Steve Rogers last night?” Fury asked. Maria’s lips thinned in annoyance. 

“How did you even know that?” Maria asked. 

“I know everything,” he replied, staring her down with one eye and all the intimidating black leather. 

“I sent him the audio,” Natasha said. “We have a bet going on.” Maria threw her an  _ are you kidding me?  _  type look to which Natasha just shrugged. 

“Is there anyone else that knows about this that you have failed to tell me about?”

“Son of Coul, Eye of Hawk, Widow of Black, how very nice to see thee again. And Director Fury, it is an honor sir.” Thor greeted as he walked into the room. “And Sir Banner, how fare thee and the Hulk?” 

“We’re fine, Thor. How are you?” Bruce answered.

“I am faring well myself.” Thor answered, and the Asgardian’s eyes finally landed on Maria. 

“Lady Hill, how are you faring?” he asked with total sincerity, as if her personal well being affected him greatly. 

“I'm great, Thor. Thanks for asking.” 

“That is splendid, Lady. But there is something I wish to tell you.”

“Yes, Thor?” 

“I know that you believe you have an heart of ice, but that is not so. It is a mark of strength and Steve Rogers will surely see that.” Maria’s jaw dropped. How did he know about the elevator conversation? Her eyes flickered toward Natasha, but instead Clint spoke, sounding guilty.

“I may have forwarded the audio to the Avengers group chat that Stark set up for us,” Clint admitted. “That might be how everyone knows.” 

Maria pulled out her phone. Sure enough, the stupid chat that she had muted had a large audio file with texts responding to the content. The blood drained from Maria’s face as she realized something devastating. 

“Relax, Maria. At least one person on the team, Captain America, doesn't know about the audio.” Natasha cheekily said. 

“Yeah, but Tony Stark does.” she replied, as she checked who had read the messages. Coulson winced in sympathy.

“You got this,” He said. patting her back. As if he had heard their conversation, the billionaire walked in right on time, with his trademark suit and sunglasses. 

“Hello Eyepatch, miss me?” Tony asked towards Fury, he asked as he slipped his glasses off his nose. It was a miracle that Fury’s glare didn't manage to decapitate the genius. “Red, Legolas, Agent Agent, Point Break, were you all pining for my arrival?” 

“Positively dying for it,” Natasha deadpanned as Thor laughed, but Tony didn't retort. His eyes had landed on Bruce, who was standing by Maria. 

“Brucie! My science brother from another mother! Oh, have I missed you so! Why did you have to go?” Tony flung his arms around the doctor, who stumbled in the unexpected embrace. 

“Tony, we've only been apart for a day,” Bruce managed to choke out. 

“A day too much, I fear. Dum-E misses you as well.” Tony said, as he ended the choking embrace around the doctor. He spun to face Maria, eyes lit with a mischievous spark.  

“And Maria Hill, my favorite agent.”

“Careful Stark, Romanoff might get jealous.” Tony brushed away Maria’s words with a wave of hands.  

“Now, now don't change the subject. I've heard that you're having some trouble finding ‘the one’.” Maria's stomach dropped, her worst fears confirmed. Tony Stark had indeed listened to that stupid elevator audio. The genius pressed on, oblivious to her silence. 

“Now, I'm glad to say that you don't have to look any further to find ‘the one’ because he's right in front of you.” Tony took two steps back, and outstretched his arms as if asking for a hug. “Come here poochie poo!” Tony cried, and Maria had composed herself in time. 

“In your dreams, Stark.” 

“Oh rejection, thou art a cruel bitch.” 

“Isn't rejection familiar to you Tony?” A new deep voice said. 

Everyone in the room turned to the new voice, and standing in its place was Captain America in full costume, with the patriotic shield in hand, and cowl on face.  

Man, that uniform left almost nothing to the imagination! Maria was fairly certain that the six pack and the biceps that were clearly articulated on the uniform, existed under the suit. Her thoughts were interrupted as she heard Clint whispering to Phil behind her. 

“Phil, I understand why you want to bang the Captain, You have my permission,”’ the archer softly murmured. She heard a loud familiar noise after, and knew instantly that Nat had hit him on the back of his head, which was confirmed by Thor’s chuckles.

“Et tu, S-Captain?” Tony slipped up. Maria’s eyes flickered toward the billionaire now, because it was obvious that Tony was about to call Captain America by his real name. Though, with a quick look at the Captain, it was fairly obvious that he wasn’t fazed by Tony’s near slip up. 

“‘Who else, you idiot?” The Captain replied, as he walked to Stark and pulled him into a bear hug.  _ Wait, what? Captain America and Tony Stark of all people were friends? _ , Maria wondered in her head. Apparently, she wasn’t the only one having that thought.

“How is the national symbol of righteousness friends with the national symbol of notoriety?”

“Careful Barton, or you won't get those boomerang arrows for your birthday.” Tony threatened, as he came out of his bear hug. 

“Cap, these are the Avengers. That’s Natasha Romanoff, aka Red; Clint Barton, aka Legolas, Birdie, Bird Brain, really the nicknames are endless. The wrestler looking one over there is Thor, Norse God of Lightning who we fondly call ‘Point Break’ and that’s my science brother from another mother, Bruce Banner, the one who turns into a freakin’ awesome rage monster. And that’s Coulson, first name Agent, and that’s Eyepatch, or Pirate, or professionally known as Director Fury.” Tony finally paused, taking a breath as he faced Maria. 

“And this,” he said, as he triumphantly grinned, “is Maria Hill, aka the Ice Queen, but more recently known as the Bachelorette.” Captain America had a confused look on his face but Maria ignored it. 

“Seriously, Clint just started that, how did you even know?”

“Simple, he texted me.” Tony shrugged. Maria threw Clint a glare that made him immediately made him look to the floor like a child. So that's who he was texting in Coulson's office. 

“I’m sorry, we’re Bachelor bros. I had to tell him.” 

“Coulson, it seems like it's your lucky day. Your trading cards have been saved, but I’m not sure about your boyfriend's bow,” Maria coldly said. Clint visibly paled and Thor clapped him on the back for support, but before anyone could respond, Fury cut in. 

“All right, sit your asses down at this table. We can talk about Maria’s love life later.” Fury took the head chair at the end of the table and Maria went to sit at his right. Captain America, Tony, Clint, and Thor took the seats across from her, while Natasha, Bruce, and Coulson took the seats beside her. 

“So, the Avengers Initiative.” Fury started. 

“You want us to band together to fight aliens. What else do we need to talk about?” Tony asked.

“Not just aliens, any large scale threats. Now, who wants to do this?” Fury asked, nonchalantly. 

“Bruce, Clint, and I are in,” Nat replied at once. 

“I will also help Midgard,” Thor agreed. All eyes landed on Tony and the Captain, who hadn’t answered the question. 

“Didn’t you reject me for this?” Tony asked Natasha. The assassin shrugged. 

“Maybe. But just agree already.”

“Fine, I’ll join, only if the Captain takes off his mask.”

“Tony..” the Captain warningly said. Maria could see that the Captain’s eyes were wide as he glared at Tony. 

“Come on, Cap. Please? She’ll die.”

“We talked about this Tony,  _ subtlety _ .” The Captain turned back from Stark and looked Fury in the eye.  “We’re in.”

Fury raised his eyebrows. “And the Army approves of your decision?” The Captain shifted in his chair, as his eyes darkened. Maria would bet a million dollars that under that cowl, the Captain was silently fuming. 

“Even if the Army didn’t, I think I’d still stick around here.” The Captain’s eyes flickered across to Maria’s, before going back to Fury. “I’ve got some compelling reasons.”

“Really?” Fury asked, interested. 

“Basically he doesn’t want to be the Army’s bitch anymore,” Tony drawled. “Are we done, yet?”

“Yes, Stark, we are done.” Fury rose from his seat and the others followed suit. “Now, if you have any other questions, Hill will take over,” Fury said, as he walked out of the room. Maria stood at the head of the table. 

“Well, any questions?” 

“Yes, so are you a virgin?” Clint turned to Captain America. 

“Clint!” Maria said admonishingly, as Coulson sighed in displeasure. The Captain, however, took the question in stride, though with an incredulous tone. 

“I am not a virgin. Who even started that rumor? Was it you, Stark?” Tony widened his eyes in mock innocence, and obviously the Captain was not fooled. 

“You dick.” 

“Language, my dear Captain. Don’t give these young ones a bad impression, especially the Bachelorette.” Tony said, flipping his arm toward Maria. 

“Bachelorette?” the Captain questioned, finally being able to express his confusion over the nickname. Maria sighed in resignation, finally realizing that the stupid thing wasn't going to go. 

“You see, my dear Capsicle, Red there came up with a fabulous idea. Yesterday, she sent a drunk Maria into the elevator with a spiffy young gentleman, her neighbor, Steve Rogers.”

“Yes, the conversation was very amusing indeed,” Thor added. “Then, her neighbor promised to surprise her today by starting a courtship.”

Clint sighed dramatically as he walked to Maria. “But, however, she hasn’t seen Rogers yet, so Nat decided that Maria needed a back-up. And that backup is you.” Clint said, pointing unashamedly at the Captain. Tony took up after that. 

“So now it’s like the series finale of the show The Bachelorette. Our dear Maria Hill, must choose between you or her wonderfully cute neighbor, Steve Rogers,” Tony said with a suspicious grin and excitement.  “Difficult choice, isn't it?” 

“Very difficult,” the Captain conceded, with a sly grin. Maria felt anger bubbling in her chest at their mocking.

“And isn’t it fortunate that I won’t have to choose, because I'm not going back to my apartment for at least a week, and I just met you, so thank you all, but no thanks. I don’t need Steve Rogers and, no offense, but Captain America, you’re not exactly my type.” Maria quickly gave the room a stare before collecting her files, and stormed past the Captain to the exit. Before she could even step out though, the Captain’s voice rang true across the room. 

“Is that the bullshit that I’m not supposed to believe?” Maria turned around to the room, looking at the standing Captain with unbridled surprise. 

“I’m sorry?”’

“I said, is that the bullshit that I’m not supposed to believe?” Her eyes focused in on Stark, narrowed with anger. 

“And I’m assuming you played him the audio and set this all up?” Tony threw his hands up defensively but the Captain spoke first, stepping closer . 

“The only thing I’d like to set up with you is a date.”  

“What are you doing?” Maria asked, her arms falling to the side. She felt like she had completely no control of the conversation.   

“If I'm not wrong,  I'm using one liners to thaw out your icy heart.” The Captain replied, as Tony died with laughter. Barton and Romanov looked at Maria with confusion, as well. 

“So, who are you going to choose, Agent?” Tony finally breathed out.

“Tony,  don't you think we should make it easier for her?” Steve asked, turning back to see him. Tony nodded excitedly. The Captain stood and reached for the buckle on his cowl and slipped it off his head.  

“Fuck,” Maria muttered as she recognized the familiar features. The same baby blue eyes,the same strong jaw that was hidden by the cowl, the same blond hair that never seemed to stay in the right place. 

“I knew I recognized that ass from somewhere,” Clint muttered under his breath, and for once Natasha nodded in agreement without smacking him on the head. That honor went to Thor, as Coulson had signaled him too. 

“I should have recognized it too, I just saw it it last night.” At Natasha’s words, Bruce turned a little green with jealousy (not the Hulk), and she gave him an apologetic shrug. 

“Really, is that all you have to add to to this conversation?” Maria growled as she recovered herself from her surprise and glared at Clint and Nat. 

“Just one more thing, actually,” said Clint as he rose from his seat, “I would like the room to acknowledge that the fact that I didn’t realize that Captain America was Maria’s neighbor, is not an accurate reflection of my superior spy skills.” He sat back down with a smug grin. 

“Clint, I apologize for yelling at you yesterday as you described Steve Rogers. It seems your descriptions were fairly accurate.” Coulson murmured. 

“Thanks babe.” 

“Will you hurry up and kiss her before I kiss her? I have to get to a meeting at 2.” Tony wryly said, as he checked his watch. Bruce put a finger up in the air. 

“And Natasha and I have a lunch date so if we could get this going, that would be great.” Natasha nodded in agreement, and they both settled in staring at them evilly.  

“Fuck me,” Maria muttered in annoyance. 

“Well, we are in a monogamous relationship. I think I can arrange that,” the Captain replied, grin intact. 

Maria pushed down to punch the cocky Captain in the face. “No, thank you,” she scoffed. She saw his face fall, but turned away to leave the room. Out from out of nowhere, Clint stood in her way.

“How did you even--”

“Are you really going to run again? You know he'll probably chase after you, with the super serum and all,” he murmured under his breath, so only she could hear.

“I'm not running.” she protested quietly.  Clint cocked an eyebrow. 

“If you weren't running, you'd between his bulging biceps by now.”

“Thor’s are bigger.”

“Maria--that's not really the matter at hand.” Clint challenged. “This is your second chance. Don't blow it.”

Maria sighed, nodded and turned back to face the table. The Captain was by Stark now, hand hanging, talking to him in a way that only seemed disappointed. She quietly cleared her throat. 

“7 PM.”

The Captain faced her with confusion; the rest of the room though, was grinning.  

“What?” 

“Tomorrow. 7 PM. Pick me up at my apartment. I assume you know where it is?” she asked dryly,  despite the fact that her heart was pounding in her chest and and she could feel heat blooming in her cheeks. 

“But--”

“I'm partial to Italian, if you want to make a good impression,” she said, as she spun on her heel, stomping to the exit. She paused at the doorway, turning to see the Captain gaping like a fish. To be honest,  it was a little gratifying to have Captain America staring at her with confusion. 

“Well, will you be there?”

The Captain seemed to finally catch his breath, and flashed his blinding teeth. 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Maria curtly nodded with a little smile on her face and walked out of the conference room. 

The cheers she heard from behind only managed to make her grin. 

She couldn’t wait till tomorrow. 

**Author's Note:**

> hoped you liked it :)  
> drop by my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/stonyismymiddlename)


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